Serenity Now!

It’s such a roller coaster… being a parent at all, but even more so with kids with special issues, I think. We had a good vacation. Most of it went well. There was a lot more fighting between the kids, but I think that’s pretty normal. I certainly remember being like that with my siblings during breaks. But, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish we were dealing with normal sibling rivalry stuff. Instead, we deal with normal sibling rivalry with the flavor of autism. It’s very frustrating. He is just so clueless sometimes, so egocentric. He has almost no concept of how his actions affect other, of other people’s feelings and thoughts, of how to nagivate difficult situations in an objective, fair way. It’s all about him. I mean, I know that it’s not that he’s just a jerk or anything, he really is incapable of thinking like that–like we all naturally do and take for granted. But for him, his life is his world, and the whole world should be in step with his life.

I don’t know how much we have worked on trying to get him to see a bigger picture of a situation, to come and talk to an adult if a problem arises, to not just handle things impulsively. Sometimes, I think if I’m being honest, MOST of the time, he just doesn’t get it.

I’ve been at my wit’s end on this one. I put him back on the GFCF diet (we’ve tried two other times with no obvious success), but I’m desperate. I don’t think it’s helping, but I’m willing to try anything to just bridge that little gap we have left so he can live a normal, happy life. He won’t be able to have a deep, social, long-lasting relationship EVER if he can’t learn these skills.

He’s in his room again for lashing out at Maggie over something totally dumb, and I’m just wondering what to do. I told him I needed to think for a while. Any ideas? How do we teach these important “theory of mind” skills that we all take so for granted in our own lives. And please, no one say “That’s how all boys (or men) are.” Just take it from me that it is much more than whatever you think is “normal.”

On a fun note, click here for some great shots I just took with my new camera!

I remember a few years ago when one of the kids would do something and I would react in the cliche fashion (sternly). I just realized how much my parenting style has changed over the past few years.

Isaak has always been a poor, picky, frustrated eater. Comes with the autism territory. I’ve learned, though, how to address the issue without just yelling, “Eat your food or ELSE!” There are clear consequences for eating or not eating, and I offer them as choices. He can choose. That way, I don’t have to get mad, I just have to point out what choice he made and follow through with it. No screaming. No feeling angry. No power struggle. No pit in my stomach.

Maggie has been getting up after bedtime for a few night with different excuses (”I’m lonely” or tonight it was “I heard a beeping noise”). A few years ago, my reaction would have been, “Get back to bed. It’s past bedtime.” Instead, my reaction was, “You know you’ve been getting up past bedtime for a few nights. If you’d like, we can move your bedtime back to 7, and then you have time to get up before your ‘real’ bedtime.” She didn’t like that idea. I have a feeling she won’t be getting up again tomorrow night.

I guess I finally realized that there doesn’t need to be anger and stress and frustration, only clear consequences and a matter-of-fact and loving attitude. I’ve been known to sometimes lament right along with the kid about a consequence. “Oh no! I’m so sorry you’ll have to clean that up and not have time to play!” Not doing it in a sarcastic way, but seriously, that’s a real bummer.

My home is a much more peaceful place these days. Even with all the stress we’re under. Our family is whole, intact, and cares for each other. No undue, added stress.

For now. Teenage years are not yet upon us!

You’ll n0tice that I included ALL the categories for this blog.

I’m sure I’m PMS-ing. According to the calendar I am, but whenever I get to this part of the month, I think it’s all “real” and I’m really feeling this way and it’s not hormones and I’ll never feel better again. Well, here I am again, and I’m trying to remember that the calendar says it’s hormones and that I will not feel like this forever.

And yet, here I am, feeling overwhelmed and like I should put my head in the oven. Although, I think I’d just get really hot like that and then I’d be bummed about being so hot.

I have too much going on, as always. I have my last final tonight to close out this quarter (yay!) and I hear it’s a real bugger and I haven’t studied at all. Don’t much care, as sad as that is. Then, I have three weeks off, but, not really. In those three weeks, I have to finish my first draft of my thesis and get a student teaching notebook put together (big project) for the next quarter which begins the very first part of January. Oh, and then there are the holidays and tutoring and taking care of family. Notice how that one is last. How sad is that?

Isaak had a rough week last week. So rough, in fact, that we instituted the “Behavior Ladder” again AND we put him on the GFCF diet (basically no grains or dairy). Dh is very skeptical, but he’s being very supportive. I’m just desperate. I hate to see him struggle, and I’m willing to try anythingto help him.

The Behavior Ladder is sorta sad but very effective. He lists all his favorite things (computer, Game Boy, etc.) and then prioritizes them into what he loves the most, and then I put them on a ladder and he has to earn them all back, one per week. He has certain goals he has to meet (like controlling his temper), and if he does well for one week, he steps up one on the ladder and gets that back. I don’t like to do it because it seems extreme (everything is taken away to begin with), but he actually seems to enjoy it! He doesn’t complain about not having anything. He sees the whole thing as a big reward system, even though I took all the things away to begin with.

What a good kid. And he’s really trying. It’s a lot to deal with in his little mind. I can’t imagine what it’s like to try to control a runaway brain.

Anyway, I’m just feeling a bit down and overwhelmed, but this, too, shall pass. In fact, in another couple months, I’ll be home free (literally).

After a discussion with my mom about what to do on the rare occasion that our son has a meltdown when he’s with her, I wanted to share some stuff I’ve learned over the years and now reinforced in my schooling.

A challenging behavior–a behavior that detracts from a student’s ability to access the natural environment; could be tantrums, aggression, calling out, picking at skin… anything

Most important rule–Find out the FUNCTION of the behavior and address that and NOT the topography (what the behavior looks like). In other words, why is the child exhibiting the behavior? Escape from a task? Seeking attention? Avoiding a person? Hungry? If you figure out and address the function of the behavior, giving the child an appropriate and more efficient way to get that need fulfilled, the behavior will go away.

If you simply address the topography of the behavior and not the function, you may get rid of that behavior, but another behavior, possibly MORE annoying, will show up in its place because the function is still in need.

Way to do this?

My way is simple. Figure out why the child is doing the behavior. Give the child a better way to achieve the same purpose. When the behavior does occur, give the child a choice–appropriate behavior gets more than inappropriate behavior.

Some examples: Child doesn’t want to clean up (escape), throws tantrum. Time-out would be silly option because that would mean getting to leave the situation and that is what he wants! Teach child to calmly express desire not to clean up (more efficient and appropriate). At first, the child gets rewarded for using words by not having to clean up. Gradually, you increase the amount expected of child before escape. Maybe it’s “OK, first put away these two things, and then you can be done.” Then it’s “OK, but you need to put all the puzzles away first.” And so forth until you stamp out the tantrums and have a communicating, cooperating child left.

Child seeks another child’s attention by bopping them on the head (attention). Getting mad at the child would then give the child the attention he’s seeking. Teach the child how to use words for attention. That might mean following the child around at first and when you see the hand come up, stop it, and give the words for the child to say. Then, the request must be honored. If the other child isn’t willing, then you must lavish the child with attention. If you miss a chance and hitting does occur, the consequence should be just the opposite of what he was seeking. Time-out might be good in this case! Complete removal from attention. no talking. No eye contact. Complete silence during time-out time. Then, bring the child back to the situation and have him do it again appropriately so he can see how it gets him what he wants.

I could go on forever, but you get the idea. Figure out why the behavior is occuring and teach the child how to get the same thing more appropriately. If the behavior occurs, I have the philosophy that that will get the child the exact opposite of what he was after. If he wanted attention, he gets none. If he wanted to escape, I can wait him out until he does.

For my son, he usually just needs a choice. He may not want to do something and engages in arguing and backtalk. His choice? He can speak calmly and have less to do, or he can engage in that behavior and still have to do it all and lose his video game time. For him, that’s what works.

Here is a 6-step problem-solving process for challenging behavior (Janny, Black, Ferio, 1989).

1. Define the problem. If there are several problems, decide which one you want to address first and stick to that.

2. Gather information. Consider who is there when it happens, what is going on at the time, when does it happen, where does it happen.

3. Develop a theory. Make your best guess as to why the child is doing it.

4. Make a plan. Prevent, teach, react. Change some of the who, what, when, where that triggers the behavior. Teach the child a new way to achieve the same function. React when it does happen in a more helpful way.

5. Use the plan. Stick with it!

6. Reconsider the plan. Is it working? Change it as needed, but give it a week or two before you decide it’s not working.